The Question You Should Never Ask

A seemingly a nonthreatening question. Whether transported via text or a run-in at the grocery store, the intention of the question is of course courteous. However, generating an answer on the other hand is like channel surfing.

What response are you in the mood to hear?

HOW ARE YOU?

The Hallmark Channel: We are great! We were living a busy life balancing full time jobs and our children, but have decided to move to a farm in the middle of Vermont. We have perfected our systems to make healthy dinners for everyone, so when they throw it against the window there is enough protein in it to make it stick. You can visit us anytime as we pick apples and sell them at the local market while we relive our childhood dreams of becoming artists.

A&E: I am fine, thank you. Just running to our next appointment to check on the microcephely with this one and the potential hydrocephely with that one.   We are supporting the hypotonia with some SMOs because they don’t think the AFOs are as necessary, but we will know more after the next eval. We would love to see you, but the day is full with a new IEP to gain more OT, PT, and a sprinkling of ABA.

Disney Channel: Howdy. Can’t chat now. Looking for some help from Tootles. He is going to arrive shortly to tell us which of the following items will help my daughter to get out of the middle of the parking lot. Should we use: the elephant in the tutu, the bar of soap, a lollypop , or the mystery mouskatool?   Tootles should be flying in any moment but in the meantime, I have to protect my child from oncoming traffic.   Have a hot dog dance party day.

FOX NEWS:  I have just implemented a new strategy to get my children to bed on time.  It’s going to be huge. It is the greatest plan to get children to sleep through the night.  It’s already so popular.  They are going to put my name all over it.

TLC: I am in the middle of our nightly “My big, boisterous, bare, bath night”. Tonight’s segment features the tragedy – my temper tantrum is caused because the ipad cannot take a bath. Excuse me while I gather my naked, slippery twin toddlers, and try to wash out the applesauce from inside their ears. You can hear more about my day by watching my camera confession. Talk soon.

BRAVO: I cannot believe that happened. I did hear about that and it is completely ridiculous. I can’t even. Stop it! BTW, have you seen my recent post? Yes, we do look adorable on social media. We are doing a great job of looking like we are functioning. That’s on purpose.

Cinemax: This channel has been currently disconnected. Please retry at a later date.   Anticipated date, April 2036.

ESPN: What we have here is a classic zone defense. We can no longer strategically do a man to man formation, so we need to divide and conquer. I wish I could talk more, but I see that two of my little people have run past the revolving doors and I need to run an interception. You might catch my husband behind me- he is calling the plays today.

NBC: I found a great pair of pants at Target that don’t enhance my muffin top and they were on sale. We had a hard day at the doctor’s office but a great night having an impromptu pizza party with our entire family who is coming over.  We will use a montage to talk about the day’s events while perfectly selected music plays in the background.  Tonight we will discuss, teacher meetings, behavior concerns, summer programs. But, if you would excuse me, it’s time for bed, and I don’t want to miss my children’s routine. A simple high five ends every exhausting, beautiful day where we just do the best we can.

Oh, and how are you?

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